So, what you are saying is ... there's still a CHANCE ...

From David English's office: Info on Jupiter Rd. property

Received: February 16, 2007.

Mr. Jebens:

Per your request, please find attached the flyer for the Jupiter Rd.
property. The property is currently under contract. If you have any
interest in the property in case the contract falls through, please let us know and we will keep your phone number and email address and contact you.

Thank you,
Liz K---------
Asst. to David English

Information gleaned from said flyer:

Jupiter Lanes, the building: 21,460 square feet

Jupiter Lanes, the spirit that lives inside all of us: (Unmeasurable - what's the symbol for infinity?) (Okay, this wasn't part of the flyer. But it SHOULD have been)

Jupiter Lanes, the land: 2.2274 acres (P.S. 2.2274 is my new favorite number.)

Asking price: $900,000

Traffic count: 18,971 cars per day between Garland Road and Fernald (based on the most recent city of Dallas 2001 traffic counts)

So, contract pending, eh? Well, either that means I'll be announcing a grand re-opening take the skinheads bowling party at Jupiter Lanes sometime in the coming months or else the contract will fall through.

I'm still putting together my group of interested investors in case said contract falls through. I've got about roughly $90 (American) that hasn't been earmarked for crystal meth or disguise kits or trapeze lessons or cigarettes for the orphans and that's ... what? 10 percent or something like that of the money we need to buy Jupiter Lanes outright? Something like that. I'm an idea man, not an accountant. So, what I'm saying to you is unless you've earmarked your own funds for something noble like buying cigarettes for the orphans you need to seriously considering donating to THIS cause. Your neighbors will thank you. Your children and your children's children and your children's children's playmates will thank you. Your co-workers will find you allurlingly sexy. I myself will buy you a drink.

And that's a PROMISE.

Important Cotton Update from the Johnny Misfortune Investigations, LLP home office

My associates (you may know him as my pet monkey Mr. Sh!tters) and I have managed to piece together an important clue as to the identity and whereabouts of one Cotton, the impressario of the lanes, the MC of the alleys, the prime minister sinister, the guy who used to run the front desk at Jupiter Lanes.

At press time, this is unconfirmed, but we have it from reliable sources (and not the ususal reliable source, the guy down at White Rock Lake who sells ice cream out of his truck and will resolve pretty much damn near any legal dispute for five hundred dollars (American) and a baggy of pot. No. This is a totally altogether different and anonymous reliable source. Named Sunni Thompson) that Cotton's last name is ... get this ...

Schwab

Cotton Schwab - we know you are out there. And we will find you.

Oh yes.

We WILL find you.

Rest assured of this, my fellow Jupiter Lanes afficianados: The search for Cotton Schwab continues.

And a cheery good day to you too, kind sir!!!

The other night, As I was standing outside Jupiter Lanes, snapping the photos that you'll see elsewhere on this page, a van came cruising by along Jupiter Road, as friendly as can be. I paused in my picture-taking as a young voice shouted out of the open van window, all very North Dallas neighborly like, the following refrain:

"Hey buddy! Fuck your mother!"

Ah, the sweet bird of youth.

I take this as a sign that I am DESTINED to own Jupiter Lanes one day.

True story.

In the words of the esteemed Sir Mr. Alec Baldwin ...

... from the classic David Mamet movie (if not play), "Glengarry Glen Ross":

"A.B.B. - Always Be Bowling."

This, then is my dream ...

... to gather a group of like-minded individuals, to create a consortium, if you will, that will purchase the historic Jupiter Lanes bowling alley located at the intersecton of Jupiter Lane and Garland Road in Dallas, refurbish it and open it as the bowling alley to beat all bowling alleys.

Imagine if you will ...

- Leprechauns and other assorted Little People bowl free on Tuesday and St. Patrick's Day
- Wednesday Night Amateur Ventriloquist Show-Down in the White Russian Lounge
- America's Cocktail - always available at Happy Hour Prices
- An Honest-to-God Happy Hour. Every Hour on the Hour.
- Design Your Own Bowling Shirt - visit our pro shop for more details
- My Uncle as the in-the-house house pro
- Birthday Parties - complete with bowling AND pinatas
- the Second Saturday of the Month - the Guerilla Desperados, our in-house Warren Zevon cover band performs for your listening pleasure
- Every 100th bowler gets a free White Russian!
- Strolling minstrels will compose a song about your bowling team - ON THE SPOT and UNREHEARSED
- the return of Cotton, where he belongs - rocking the house and ruling the roost at Jupiter Lanes, or, as it may possibly be renamed "Big Lebowski in Little China (on Jupiter Lane)"

These are just a few ideas. I'm spit-balling here.



Do you have the guts, the chutzphah and, yes, let's go ahead and say it, the balls to embrace an endeavor as fantastic, awesome and, yes, let's go ahead and say it, genius as this one?

If so, let's do lunch. You bring the lunch.

No, seriously. We should talk. Contact me h.jebens at gmail.com

I am serious. At least as serious as a heart attack. Or a 7-10 split.

Another idea - sell shares of ownership to anyone who wants to buy one and operate the place as the first co-operatively owned bowling alley. on the planet. Or at least in Dallas.

Cotton, where for art you, Cotton?

Missing: Cotton

You: The best Monday night front desk bowling alley manager type person that Jupiter Lanes has ever had. EVER. Missing since sometime this past summer.

(P.S. By "you," I mean "Cotton")

Me: I want to purchase Jupiter Lanes and install you to your former position of glory as the impressario of the lanes, the MC of the alleys, the prime minister sinister, the guy who runs the front desk at the bowling alley.

(P.S.S. By "me" I mean "me")

Are you out there? Are you interested?

If so, contact me: h.jebens at gmail.com

You'll be glad you did.

Thank ye.

Important information for your tax records

The realtor handling Jupiter Lanes:
David English
Coliers International Realty
Ph. 214.692.1100

Can you DIG it?

Where on (Google) Earth is Jupiter Lanes, you ask?

Mark it 8, Dude.

I believe we have our answer, young Chauncey. I believe we have our answer.